Umm I'm too high to move.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
