how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
