Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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