I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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