why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
