it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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