i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
