his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
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