Soap is not a condiment
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
