My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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