you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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