My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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