I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize