I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
