I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
