I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
What changed your mind?
Being sober
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
