ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
