I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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