Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
