i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
