If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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