I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
