Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
