im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
