I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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