Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
