and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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