It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just invented taco cereal.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
