theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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