Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
