Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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