but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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