From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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