Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
