He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize