i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
