I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
