here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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