she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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