You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
