East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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