Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
