He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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