Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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