i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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