Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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