Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We left an ass print on the piano.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
