So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
