She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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