I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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