how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize