Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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