Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
