I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
