From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
