Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
